They’re moody. They’re front runners. They’re complicated. They’re teens. They stand on the cusp of changing the world and they have something to tell us.
Teens hate when their parents fight.
Don’t be fooled. Teens are measuring relationships around them daily. Your relationship is foundational as to what they will learn to value in their own relationships. They need strong role models. They need strong examples of how to speak to a spouse, how to fight properly, how to say openly you are wrong, and how to come to a compromise with each other. Conflict, rude comments, leaving in the middle of a fight rather than working at communicating, slamming doors are setting examples of how your teen will respond not only in their own relationships but how they communicate with you. Be careful.
Don’t Compare Them
Never compare your children to each other or to other teens. Find something positive to say to them about them. Avoid compliments that are superficial like: You’re beautiful, you’re such a great student, you’re an excellent athlete, ect. These compliments don’t last. Anyone can have a bad grade, hurt themselves and not be able to play a sport, or lose their beauty. Don’t build their self-esteem on things that could be taken away, or you’ll build their confidence on shifting sand.
Instead compliment them on character traits such as: I admire the work you put into that project, I appreciate how loyal you are to your friends, I love your laugh, you have such a great sense of humor. These traits are lasting qualities.
Teens spend every day comparing themselves to everyone else and finding themselves wanting. Build their confidence over things they have control of. And never forget, they don’t need another critique, or coach, in their lives. What they really need are more cheerleaders. If you know how to cheer them on, they’ll ask you to critique or coach them.
Teens need time to relax.
There’s a tough balance to being a teen. They can be so busy they never relax. And they can be so relaxed, they never get out of bed or off the couch. The sleeping late thing is common to their age and rapid growth rate, which requires more sleep. But it might be more than that. By everyday standards, there’s a great deal of stress on teens. They’re finding their place in the world, keeping up with studies, dancing to the tune of peer acceptance, and walking the tight rope of child verses adult. The A Type teens may be overly committed, between academics and after-school activities, home chores and all the other things that go with being teens. They need to be allowed to enjoy personal time with things they like. When monitored, down-time can be beneficial.
I used to walk with my daughter. I had to commit to not talking. When a long period of silence followed, she would begin to talk and tell me what was going on inside of her.
With my son, we would get in the car (often at midnight on a school night or work night) and we would drive. Our excuse was ‘let’s just get out of here.’ We’d get something to eat and drive with the windows down and the stereo cranked up taking turns over whose music we were going to listen to. But somewhere along the line, the stereo was turned off and we talked. I listened, and often was afforded the opportunity to insert advice.
There is value in doing nothing but listening.
They Love You.
Even though teens rarely say it, they love you and they really care what you think of them. The whole world is looking for love and acceptance. Unfortunately, when love doesn’t find its way to your teens, they’re willing to take a kick just for the sake of attention. If your teen is acting out, take a look at how well you’re paying attention to them.
Don’t take it personally when your teen puts distance between you and them. It is their way of finding their own identity. If you’ve built a good relationship prior to this ‘walk about’ time, relax, they’ll come back to you as they enter adulthood. And you’ll gain a friend as well as a loving adult.
Don’t Hold Them Back
They might not do it right. In fact, they may just bomb—several times but don’t rob their dreams. Remind them often that anything is possible depending on how hard they work. The sun, moon and stars are within their reach if they want it. Help them to see that failure is practice for success. Encourage them when they fall to fall forward, and that failure means they’re trying. Most people remember Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth as the greatest homerun hitters of all time, but many forget that they struck out almost one and a half times more than they hit homers! Jank Aaron once said, “The only way to fail is to stay out of the batter’s box.” Most of us try on new dreams many times before we finally find our lane. Be their biggest fans no matter what they decide is their calling. Be all in with them.
Give them space to experiment, try and fail, and attempt new personalities, hopes and dreams. As long as their adventures aren’t fatal or illegal, allow them the experiences. Sometimes we learn more from failure than we do from success.
Practice saying, “What do you think?” and “You’re very smart, you’ll figure it out,” along with, “Oh my, what are you going to do about that?” Those kinds of comments move the responsibility into their hands and signals that they are maturing. Let them.
Now you know the five most important things teens want you to know. There’s probably plenty more—ask them!
